My relationship is ending. And I'm so ready. I'm so tired of fighting, so tired of justifying, of struggling for control, of trying to be nice when I don't feel nice at all, of taking care of so much and having so little take care of me. And I don't feel selfish. I truly believe that what I've been going through this past year is far less than I deserve and that there is something better out there and that I need to challenge myself to step up and find it. It's a bit sad because she says this is the best relationship she's ever had and that if we can just do this, if we can just do that, if we can just try a little harder then it will all work out. But what I can't say to her is that this is the worst relationship I've ever had and that there are relationships out there where you don't have to battle every day to bite your tongue, where there isn't this huge ball of resentment between you. There are relationships without fighting all the time and I know because I've been in them. I have messed up all kinds of relationships for some really wrong reasons but this one, this one I'm leaving for the right reasons. I'm ready.
I have IEP meetings tomorrow. and all sorts of thoughts of next year. The simple fact is, we've got more coming our way in terms of high-maintenance kids than we can possible handle, and something has to be done and no one knows what it is that should happen. The administration has their hands tied, as do I, and certainly as does the budget. I'm scared that in doing what is best for the children (which I will inevitably do, come hell or high water), I'm going to compromise all the friendships and cohesion and happiness that is the group of adults working in my classroom. They may never forgive me for what I may have to do next year to keep all these children safe and cared for. It's freaking me out.
But I had a lovely weekend. I waited tables at the diner on saturday and made good money and felt like I totally knew what I was doing despite it being only my second time waitressing, and it still feels really good to work really hard. I have a real sense of accomplishment when I work there. And they like me, and count on me, and think I'm good at what I do. That feels good too.
Saturday night I went with Gaston to get his puppy, which is the cutest thing on the planet, and then we went out with Mel to the farm to work on the horses because she had a show today. We showed up at the house around 9:30pm and hiked through the mud up to get Cavy. I brought him down and we began bathing him in the dark as a storm was rolling in. The trees were blowing and the water was cold and Cavy wanted none of it, but I held him and all the horsemanship skills came right back to me, and with a bit of singing and a bit of walking in circles and a lot of muscle, he stood for his bath. He walked right with me back up to the barn and it began to lightning and pour down rain. Mel and I scrubbed his white spots and I brushed his mane out and she shaved his whiskers and we finally put a blanket on him and Leo and put Cavy in and Leo out and then we sat in the tack room to wait out the storm. We sat on crates and boxes and lounged in the scent of leather and dust and talked as the rain came down outside. Finally we gave up on the rain stopping and ventured out and ran across the field streaming with water and mud and we splashed and laughed and got soaking wet and muddy to our knees and the water was soaking through my jeans and dripping from the brim of my hat and the braids in my hair and I couldn't quit laughing, I haven't felt so alive in so long.
Today I got to help plan a baby shower for my soon-to-be-favorite-little-person. And then I went shopping and bought cute little clothes and a blanket for the crib and began picking out little shower things and decided on how to refinish the changing table, and I'm longing for everything to happen all at once, but at the same time, I'm slowing down to savor each bit and admire each detail and smile. I can't wait to meet him.
Sigh. I'm looking forward to freedom. And finding again all those relationships that I've been not allowed to keep up with, all those friends that I've been so dearly missing, and all the new ones that I've been wanting to know better.