skeeter800 (skeeter800) wrote,
skeeter800
skeeter800

August

Hello, dear journal. Journal who won't judge me for being gone forever. For starting off as though I never left. For not explaining where I've been or who I am but just jumping right in.

So, married life? Well, essentially the same as unmarried life, except that for a few weeks there no one knew what my name was, including me. And i have in laws now. And this relationship will go on forever. That's the one that blows my mind. I realized that a name is just a name, i was shocked at how easy they are to change. And every big relationship comes with in laws, only you don't call them that. And permanence, it feels good. The number one feel good is the ability to talk about having kids. Like really talk about it. Gonna happen. Someday. It feels good to move in the right direction, to make big life changes with confidence. And yes, much as it makes me angry, to be supported by society for falling squarely into the norm. I'm angry for former me, for the ex, for the whole community of amazing, passionate, loving, deserving people that don't have the opportunity to be supported by family, friends, and strangers alike. But alas, here I am. And I'm glad for current me. And that's okay.

Everything I read says that marriage is different from love. It's way harder, it's more boring, it comes with more responsibility, and that it takes such hard work. All true i think. And it comes with love and security and great sex and partnership and, all totalled, at the end of the the day/year/lifetime, happiness. Overall happiness.

Another school year approaches. The longer I stay with this city the more I become aware of the oppressively off balance way that things often work here. The way that the people manipulate each other, the way problems get dealt with in 'creative' instead of 'standard' ways, the way that support is only there when it is convenient for the powers that be, the way that I am utterly alone in so many difficult decisions and situations. I've had about enough. And next year will not be easier than last year. My toughest cookie is returning and will be the same kid, with the same issues that has bigger and more complex needs than I can handle. I get one or two new kids who (par for the course) sound wonderful but high maintenance. My M and C will be back and amazing as always, I am hoping to have the energy and inspiration to give them everything that they deserve. I'm hoping to be able to bring their potential to light without other pettiness clogging it up. And the grown ups, oh the grown ups. I have no idea what the year holds. I'm going to do my best to concentrate on these beautiful children, be clear and assertive, and get through it so that hopefully when the year is done, I can move on to a place that won't leave me so unhappy.

Can't wait to sell the house. Can't wait to buy a house. Can't hardly stand to wait another second to start the beautiful adventure of kids. I'm waiting anyway.
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