skeeter800 (skeeter800) wrote,

music reflections

Ripped and downloaded music last night and relived many years of my life. It’s amazing how strong my feelings connected to music are, I have wrapped my whole life up in it.

Got Blessed Union:

“And Oh, I’m just lucky to be here. I can’t believe I got this far. And if I stop along the way to shed a tear, I’m sorry, but I thought I saw my dream. Oh, I’m just lucky to be here. I’d gladly stay a thousand years. Breathe your love into this union of souls, and I’ll just write the words.”

“May every star you wish upon and every hope you’re hanging on come true. Out of everybody in the world, there’s no one who deserves it more than you. I hope you find everything you’ve been dreaming of. Only good things, no in betweens, just peace and love.”

Reminds me of leaving easter seals and all the amazing people that I found there. The way that place rejuvenated my soul and gave me purpose and self respect. I think easter seals decided the direction my life would go in, and I don’t know if I would have had that direction without them.

“Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand. Don’t ask any questions and don’t try to understand. Open up your mind and then open up your heart, and you will see that you and me aren’t very far apart. And I believe, that love is the answer. I believe that love will find a way. I believe, that love is the answer. I believe, that love will find a way.”

I decided a long time ago that I would not be like her. I would not categorically hate people. I would become aware of the prejudices in me and fight them with all I was worth.

Terri Clark:

“I want a road stretching out before me. I want a radio in my ear. I want a full tank of absolution. And no fear. I want a rainstorm to bowl me over and a sky that begins to clear, towards the truest of destinations, no fear. I used to hit every wall there was, I used to run away from love. All I ever wanted was right here. But I had to reach way down inside, I had to have faith I’d find no fear.”

This song has played through every major change I have made in my life. It is the mantra of ‘I can do this’ and it reminds me what I’m fighting for in my own head. It is, after all, the truest of destinations.

“I used to believe that things would change but here we go again. Riding a spinning carousel this circle never ends. This kitchen table has seen it all before, these walls are tired of standing, can’t hold us anymore. One Mississippi I close my eyes, two Mississippi I’m begging you that we can still survive. Three Mississippi no lookin back, gone for good and I know that. I won’t change my mind, three Mississippi is where I’m at tonight. We’re all out of second chances and all out of one more times. There’s not a word we haven’t said, nothing we have not tried. My bones are aching from the weight I’m holding down. I took all that I’m taking, I’m breaking, breaking down.”

This is the breakup song that I started with Matt and found quite appropriate with Robbin. This is how I end most relationships. Not angry, but exhausted. Had enough. Can’t take another step. Can’t do another thing. Can’t talk about the same thing one more time. Just done.

Anna Nalick:

“Driving away from the wreck of the day and the light’s always red in the rear view. Desperately close to a coffin I’ve all but cheated destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I’m giving up. If this is giving up, then I’m giving up, giving up on love.”

The notes of hopelessness I often feel when a relationship or even a love interest fails, because I do put my everything into it, and then when it fails, I have nothing and am driving home, defeated and empty.

“2am and she calls me cuz I’m still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake, I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season. And we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes like they have any right at all to criticize. Hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason. Cuz you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable and life’s like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl, so just cradle your head in your hands, and breathe. Breathe. Just breathe.”

I think every woman on the planet relates to this song somehow. It reminds me of a lot. The good female friends I’ve had over the years and those, the best talks there can be where you open up and lay it all out and feel safe in doing so. I miss that. The accusing eyes is what being outwardly gay often feels like. You walk into a room and feel peoples’ hatred of you though you’ve never met them, and the feeling that wells up inside you in response is hard to describe, but definitely brings to mind the word hypocrisy. The words ‘just breathe’ are ones that I should have tattooed on me somewhere prominent, so that I can look at it and think about it, and remember to take things one step at a time and that I will survive whatever this is, and to put it in it’s place.

“I’ve tripped again and things are starting to get interesting, don’t give me choices cuz I can’t decide. My mind is soaked in words I’ve come to terms with all my insecurities cuz purity’s no friend of mine. And dreaming doesn’t do no good cuz I don’t wanna lie that I’m okay and I’m alright I’d rather take it and forget it. Consider this a warning. Cuz I’ll start another fight and you’ll say it’s all alright, I’ll wait for the day when you find I’m too much for you baby.”

This is where I am with relationships right now, and where I have been in the past. I remember telling people ‘don’t fall for me, I’m messed up, you don’t need this in your life.’ And the amazing people that have loved me over the years didn’t listen. And it turned out to be true in the end. But I don’t regret them, hopefully they don’t regret me.

Counting Crows:

“If I could make it rain today, and was away this sunny day down to the gutter, I would, just to get a change of pace. Things are getting worse, but I feel a lot better, and that’s all that really matters to me. Amy hit the atmosphere, caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter, and she’s never coming back I fear, any time it rains she just feels a lot better, and that’s all that really matters to me. We’ve waited so long for someone to take us back home. It just takes so long. Meanwhile the days are drifting away, and some of us sink like a stone. Waiting for mothers to come. There has to be a change I’m sure. Today was just a day fading into another, and that can’t be what a life is for. One of the things she said is that she feels a lot better, and that’s all that really matters to me. We’ve waited so long for someone to take us back home. It just takes so long, meanwhile the days go drifting away, and some of us sink like a stone. Waiting for mothers to come.”

From the messed up high school days, with messed up friends that popped pills and talked suicide. We really were in a hole and had no way of getting out. We lived day to day and hated our existence. I sometimes miss them, my dear lost boys, but whenever I talk to one, I immediately remember why I left them and didn’t look back. They are still there, stuck in that hole, and I climbed out. We will never know each other again. Not really.

“Walk out the front door like a ghost into a fog, where no one notices the contrast of white on white. In between the moon and you the angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right. I walk in the air between the rain, through myself and back again, where? I don’t know. Around here, we all look the same. Around here, something radiates.”

High school, hopeless, messed up high school.

“She is trapped inside a month of gray, and they take a little every day. She is a victim of her own responses, shackled to a heart that wants to settle and then runs away. It’s a sin to be fading endlessly, but she’s alright with me. She is leaving on a walkaway. She is leaving me in disarray, in the absence of a place to be she stands there looking back at me, and hesitates, then turns away. She’ll change so suddenly, she’s just like mercury, yeah, but she’s alright with me.”

I always identified myself by this song, and I always saw it from the point of view of someone who loved me. I had to have messed some people up along the way, because I am complicated and unpredictable and most people will never know why I am the way I am at any given moment.

Deanna Carter:

“Summer air was heavy and sweet, you and I on a crowded street, there was music everywhere, I can see us there. In a happy little foreign town, where the stars hung upside down, a half a world away, far, far away. I remember, you were laughing, we were so in love, we were so in love. And the band played, songs that we had never heard but we danced anyway. We never understood the words, we just sang ‘em. La la la la la la la. And we danced anyway.”

I see Quebec in my head. And the concert, and two little girls in sundresses twirling in the moonlight and music floating through the summer air and realizing that this was heaven. This was what I wanted.

Edwin McCain:

“Standing on the edge, lookin for songs in a bottle, and talking with the strangers who don’t know my pain. I’m blurry eyes and burned out, choking on more than I can swallow. A crack in a little voice that calls out my name. And she says what ever happened to you? It’s been two years, where have you been? And I guess all my fears were true, the words are all gone, the time’s been too long, but it’s not too late to say sorry to a friend. What happened to my friend? Staring at her face I see a past that still haunts me. The road where we split up is filled with the things I didn’t say.”

Edwin McCain always brings me to Willard. We both had so much on top of us back in those days. So many things that hurt and confused and longed. And we put them all on and in each other. And I fell apart.

“I pull my boots off, throw my weapon on the floor, I cry my eyes out in my private little war. Cuz it seems I’ve been a soldier, heaven knows I’ve been no saint, with my camouflage and armor, cold heart and grease paint. To you this has no meaning, the armistice lay down, the armies all are quiet, the guns don’t make a sound. Cuz you melted the steel walls, tore down the barbed wire, filled in the trenches, demanded a cease fire. And now that you’re leaving, there’s nothing I can do, but I want you to know that you’re taking me with you.”

I don’t know if he’ll ever know what he means to me. He was closer to me than I thought anyone could ever be. Still is. He can still look into me and see things that I thought were hidden from the whole world.

I could go on all day with lyrics... I need to find some of the after high school I'm getting my life together music... perhaps I'll post again when I pay off my ITunes account from this round =)
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